When is a moth a cat? When it is a tiger moth
I have decided to hang my dogs I.D. tag on the base of his tail to stop other dogs sniffing his bum.
I said to my Mrs, "Don't let me be a cabbage. I would rather be a couch potato like all the other brain dead people."
Posh bloke from double barrel named village visited Northern Industrial Town "What a Shit-hole!" He said. Well he was just passing through!
Hey, I don't know how those Americans can drive on the right hand side of the road. I tried it on our M.1 in the UK & almost got killed.
Instructor, 'How do you detect a Suicide bomber?'
Recruit, 'Catch him in the act.'
Instructor, 'Then what?'
Recruit, 'pick up the pieces.'
My pal went to a spiritualist. The spiritualist said,
"Your wife is happy on the other side and she is delighted that you are well.
Because she doesn't want you joining her there and making her miserable."
A mans house burnt down and he had a newer better one built from his insurance payout. He was watching the news about a disaster and wondered how he could start a flood.
I once bred Lurcher's'. I said to my wife, 'Put Pip with Sal, they should make nice pups together.' She said to me, ' isn't that your job?' Me, 'No Pip will have to do it.'
A suicide shoe bomber went to heaven, St Peter took him in and said "There you are, 72 virgins, fill your boots my son.
Hey, why don't British line dancers who dance in cowboy hats, check shirts & silly knee length boots dance on live electric railway lines?
Why don't British cowboy clubs with daft gang names & do quick on the draw games use real bullets.
Why don't Morris dancers hit one another across the head with their sticks? Do everyone a favour.
How come a shop near us buy peoples junk and only sell Antiques?
An 80 year old man, ex bare knuckle fighter with coli-flower ears , deaf as a corner post, visits his Doctor, The Doctor examines his chest. 'Well for an old heart it seems to be going well.' The old man floors the doctor with one punch. When the doctor comes round he says, 'I don't recall calling you an old fart.'
My pal has a hearing aid. He is as deaf as a politician who is avoiding an awkward question.
What is long, made of Oak and sleeps as many as 10 at a time? = A bench in the House of Lords.